It has been a year now since I’ve known it was coming. Lurking behind my neck, tapping on my shoulder, & the sneaky glimpses right before my eyes. It was too much, too impossible to be true, so the only logical solution was total denial. If it was too much for my mere brain to wrap itself around I would simply pretend it wasn’t really happening!
How did we come to this? Wasn’t I just holding you in my arms and and trying desperately to calm your every non-stop cry for the first six months? At 3 & 4 I combed through your amazing, long, blonde, banana curls. My mind is flooded with all the events that have come and gone and they all lead up to this. This one pinnacle moment in time.
But…..an anxious panic inside of me questions and contemplates. What…..what if….not if what about all of the times I have failed you and fallen short? Lord, I wanted so much more….I wanted things to go this way……Will you be ready even though subject to my short comings? Will you look back and say, “I wish she had…..or why didn’t…..? I sincerely pray that He will give you a clear view of the depth of my heart so my purest desires for you will be fully understood. I wanted so much more….even when I gave less.
Hold on to what I DID DO instead of what I didn’t!
The months have come and gone over the past year and we’ve had days of peace and smooth sailing, days of discomfort and grumbling, and the days of outright war. No matter how I tried to stop this in my mind the day has now arrived. Its time……time for me to release my role as leader, cook, disciplinarian, laundress, & authority over you. I am beginning the journey of my new role as mama who will always love you and care for you, but steps back….steps down and lets you lead, lets you lead yourself. This time if you put your hand in the fire, it’s not for me to take it out……YOU get to decide if it hurts and how long ya want to stay there.
I prayed and sought for a male role model to be mentoring you and though no earthly man has yet been revealed, I am gently reminded of Who you NEED the most. With confidence, peace, anticipation, & a lingering sorrow I hand you over to our Lord and release you from my grip. It is here, today, right now, that your new journey into manhood begins. Not my will for you but HIS!
So, through the waterfall flowing from my eyes there is a joy….a mystery to this great surprise. I love you my Maxi and I cannot wait to see the amazing man God has chosen for you to BE!