For 39 weeks I carried him in the womb. Through hours of excruciating pain I brought him forth into our world. The years of holding on to his hand and lifting him up when he fell.I pushed forth to pave the way, provide what I knew he really needed, and protect him from what he didn’t. Yet for every one, Holy intention I fell short on ten others.
It is time, so I intentionally wrap arms around hime ever so tight and fingers dig into the flesh of his back. I pause in a moment of eternity…..I DON’T want to let go. I feel his heart speedily palpating against my chest……He’s scared. MY BABY IS SCARED! Do you HEAR me world……MY baby is scared!
With each opening and closing of the valves in his heart the fear is pumped evermore throughout. His face hid it well most of the day, but these eyes, my eyes that are in full training, being rigorously worked by God…..to SEE. Able to penetrate the flesh unconvering the spirit within…..the gentle, kind, lost but seeking spirit of his.
How…..how can arms release? How can I just say good-bye and walk out the door?
It is as if I put my babe in the basket and just left him….just left him alone, abandoned, & unprotected.
Ah-ha…..there…..there is were the revealing comes in. He is NOT an infant, NOT a boy, NOT a teen…...he is a young man! A ripe 18 years of age just embarking on this journey towards manhood. Beginning to embrace the walk towards BECOMING an extraordinary, excellent man of God.
I let go and he scoffs at my tears and smiles at me. One more….one more embrace then I can walk out the door. I stumble and search for those wise last words, for that great quote that can be held onto. My words are few and less than significant and I repeat in my head, “Just keep walking…..just make it out the door.”
I walk catatonic and flooded with emotions and tears don’t stop welling up until they overflow. So how can anyone be FULLY ready…..to say good-bye. I don’t think I can. I just have to walk through this journey and seize ever so tightly all that I know to be true.
Romans 8:14-16 For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God,
My Maxi…….he IS a son of God….not just the son of Carolyne.
2 Thessalonians 2:13 But we are bound to give thanks to God always for you, brethren beloved by the Lord, because God from the beginning chose you for salvation through sanctification by the Spirit and belief in the truth
Again, I am reminded my Maxi belongs to God…chosen to come into this earth!
Is my faith strong enough to rest in that…..to find peace knowing that my child is an heir to the Throne and that God treasures His precious children.
I am willing to live and breath that each and everyday…..are you?