Godly responses to an unGodly marriage? How do ya do it? Am I capable of putting my humanness aside and fully embracing my marriage life in Christ? Can my prayer I surrender in Your grace I ask You to become first in my day be fully lived out?
Can it ever be made Holy when it started out in Sin? What about years of devastation, excruciating pain, and even abuse? Surely that is just too far gone….that is just too much for God. Ya know, He can create an entire world and universe in 6 days, but He can’t save my little old crummy marriage.
17 years ago we raced into this more than willing to do things wrong, our way, was God even IN the picture? Was my pure whole heart ever there…..even in the beginning? I don’t think so. I did what was right….I did what I had to. I did……what served ME. Seems I had the order of things backwards while holding our 3 week old son at our wedding. So, I told myself I could do this. I mean I had to it, wasn’t it the right thing to do~ right?
Didn’t seem to take more than a day and the devastation had begun. Was I really that blind? I couldn’t have foreseen the evil that was to come? Ok…this royally stinks…but I am just gonna keep doin the right thing cause that is……what you do. But how do ya do the right thing…what is the right thing to do anyway? So alone….no friends for advice….no family with sound advice. But hey, I am strong…I can do it!
Didn’t take more than the first excruciating experience for my heart to turn to black, to begin to seethe and loathe…..the one I am with. As my heart plummeted to the floor all I could say was it is NEVER going to work. Circumstance after circumstance tore my heart to shreds completely consuming it with hopelessness.
But…I can do this remember…..I HAVE to do this! I mean I already have 3 little ones 4 and under. For them……I have to do this. I always longed to have that beautiful family……that perfect family, it was all I ever really wanted. As my heart turned stone cold, my actions did the opposite. I went to counseling, I took excellent care of the kids, attended church, cooked great dinners and served my husband. I was a GOOD wife~right? My mind put forth decent honest efforts……my body put forth honest decent efforts…….except…..the devastation only worsened.
So what is goin on Lord, I am the gooood wife, doing all her gooood wife things and the destruction is unstoppable, without even a hint of improvement. So this lovely little yo yo act continued for years and years and years.
I was the good wife, doing her good wife stuff with her big bad meany husband...how can this really be? More children add to the picture but not even for them is this getting any better. God I don’t know what I am supposed to do echoed in my head again and again.
Through the untrue smiles, words, and actions my heart became completely consumed with despising, disrespecting, and repulsion. Towards what or whom? My own husband and my marriage. With every challenging dysfunctional act that was thrust my way my black widow heart filled with the poison of death constantly secretly planning its avenging. I’m gonna show him, that’s it someday I WILL leave, I wish you for dead, hope I NEVER see you again, I HATE you, I don’t love you, you are worth nothing, you stink at everything…and that’s the PG version of this very wicked heart. So how does that work if I am the good wife doin all her good wife things?
God is going to reveal exactly how that works or doesn’t work in part 2!
Never lose sight of His hope….for the hopeless.