First I need to make one thing clear. God is doing some amazing revealing, but that in NO way negates my husbands responsibility for his sinful actions. He has a Maker and he will be held accountable for his choices.
What is does mean is that I am fully and fearfully embracing that God is sovereign, He is the ruler over…..EVERTHING. Every beauty, every laugh, every ugly, even everything hideous and haneous….HE IS IN EVERYTHING, the maker of the whole universe and everything in it. Now, that doesn’t mean that free will and evil don’t exist….cause they do and that royally stinks. Thank you Adam and Eve! Yeah, you men are sayin thank you Eve! What is does mean is that even though it is beyond our understanding God’s light is ALWAYS shining He NEVER leaves us, yeah even in the darkest and most horrible of moments.
It is so hard for us to grasp that God could really be present among us in the midst of such travesty and destruction…but HE IS! Thanks to Ann Voskamp and her book One Thousand Gifts I have a much clearer understanding of this. She explains how God’s light is always shining and Satan and evil are just a mere shawdow in that light covering it up to we can’t see or fully see Him. The more I seek him out in the ugliest of ugly the greater His light will shine. If I tenaciously persevere for Christ soon that shawdow will be no more and all you will see is……His radiant light.
So, in the years and years of my good wife actions and good wife attempts…….nothing changed, NOTHING CHANGED!!!!!!! How can that be? I mean it is NOT like I am the sinner…..I am the sweet good wife.
God, shows me a word…..hypocrite. Ouch…that word just sounds bad doesn’t it? OOH, to fully drive the new nails in the the old nails out….there is the definition. a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, especially a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.
Oh, surely that is not me….I’m not that kind of person.
I read my books, I listen to Dr. Dobson, I pray, I go to church, I go to conferences, even counseling……and I……cook his dinners and try to look all pretty, and try to be all supportive, and……and…..
All the while though my efforts were good and I even meant them…..except……what about my heart…the spirit of my intentions?
Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
That would make what flows out a scheming, seething, hate-filled, resenting heart be what?
Luke 6:43-45 “For a good tree does not bear bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. For every tree is known by its own fruit. For men do not gather figs from thorns, nor do they gather grapes from a bramble bush. A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.”
The abundance of the heart his mouth speaks, look what my heart was abundant in……coldness, blackness, and even filled with death. It was with this heart that I poured out love, with this heart that I played the part of the good wife…….it was out of this heart that venom was continuously spewed.
If as a Christian wife I am called on to love my husband as Christ loves me…to show him Christ likeness in all that I do…….that is NOT humanly possible with a snarling, seeking to leave, all along despising heart. Oh, but….I want my marriage to work, really I do. I mean look at how hard I am workin at it…and he does…does nothing! I mean, never mind that all my efforts have been made with one leg out the door. That can’t have anything to do with why this marriage hasn’t worked…can it?
These are deep, intense, painful truths yet I KNOW as I walk through them constantly seeking His truth the beautiful ugly will become gorgeous.
So much more to share, have to wait for part 3.